There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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