Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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