Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize