I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
