Got a toothbrush?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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