i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
