I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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