Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize