I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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