Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
