Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
