Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize