don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
