We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
