he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
