i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
