ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize