I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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