my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize