Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize