Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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