You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
