Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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