So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize