Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize