No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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