It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
