My Higher Power is John Stamos
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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