The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
you inspire me to be a worse person
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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