Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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