So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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