she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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