My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
