Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
