i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
P.S. I can't hear my feet
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
