You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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