she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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