Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
