Whod you bang
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize