If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
