did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
