Umm I'm too high to move.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
