I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
