I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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