i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
