I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
