I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
