I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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