well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
