saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
