Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize