This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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