mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
There was a lot of him and a little penis
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
