OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
