Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
