WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
