Your face is a jimmy john
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize