He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
