"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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