his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
