Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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