I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
