The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
